THE DOGS (ROMANIAN DARK FARCE)
by Joe Martin
Copyright (c) 2002 by Joe Martin. Rights and a full manuscript can be procured from
Tonda Marton, the Marton Agency: tonda@martonagcy.com
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SCENE 1: THE PARK, DOG-WALKERS
A MAN and a WOMAN in the park, carrying dog collars on chains. Their own dogs are off running.
MAN
Have you heard about the dogs.
WOMAN
They are everywhere.
MAN
No. I mean the solution.
WOMAN
What solution.
MAN
The extermination.
WOMAN
The what?
MAN
There's just so many of them.
WOMAN
People here love their dogs.
MAN
That's the problem. Well fed pariahs. The pets of the people.
WOMAN
It's not their fault. It was that man. The palace builder. He is responsible for all of this ... rot.
MAN
Look around. It's almost summer. Soon they'll be nuzzling in the hot garbage.
WOMAN
They tore down the old city ...
MAN
A little girl was bitten last Monday in the Youth Park.
WOMAN
... and they built the palace on a mound of earth on top of it ...
MAN
They could spread disease you know.
WOMAN
... and all the people had to be moved ...
MAN
We're not talking about the people. I'm talking about the dogs. Did you think I was talking about the people?
WOMAN
I am talking about the dogs.
MAN
Well, what's your point then?
WOMAN
The dogs did not move with the people. They stayed in their zone because they knew where their invisible houses were.
MAN
What are you talking about. What invisible houses?
WOMAN
They knew where their houses were. The people couldn't see them anymore, but the dogs could.
MAN
There were no houses anymore. There was no old city anymore.
WOMAN
It doesn't go away for the dogs, you know. They could still see the eaves. The outlines of the roofs. They could smell the dank basements. Ghosts of houses.
MAN
You're a funny one.
WOMAN
That's why they stayed.
MAN
But they didn't stay. They didn't stay. They are all around the damned city, plugging up the traffic. Romping in packs in the weeds of the parks.
WOMAN
They are out doing their daily chores. But when it's night, they all make their way back.
Pause.
MAN
That's quite an impressive tale.
WOMAN
There is a demonstration tomorrow.
Pause.
MAN
A what?
WOMAN
A demonstration.
MAN
About what. I think we've had our fill of demonstrations here. Demonstrations area lot of noise.
WOMAN
To save the dogs.
MAN
Is it that French bitch again, coming over to appeal for the rights of dogs?
WOMAN
Rameau. She's coming to talk to the Prime Minister...
MAN
That damned Rameau woman. What about the rights of people. The people here have nothing--
WOMAN
There is nothing--
MAN
--we have people who don't know what to do with themselves. They can't pay for a telephone--
WOMAN
I think it's great that people are finally standing up for humanity.
MAN
They're not standing up for humanity. Not even themselves. They're standing up for dogs. ... Of course, they're all dreaming of going to America...
WOMAN (turning on him)
Well the dogs aren't going to America. You don't hear of dogs having that option, do you?
MAN
America could take care of the dogs. They know how to handle things there.
WOMAN
We can take care of our own problems here.
Silence.
What did you hear about the dogs?
MAN
What do you mean.
WOMAN
You asked me if I'd heard about them. What have you heard?
MAN
They are going to have them fixed.
WOMAN (astonished)
Fixed? How is that possible.
MAN
They say that they'll contract a company to spay and fix them. Supposedly.
WOMAN
But that's wonderful. Finally, a note of humanity in this country.
MAN
But let's be serious. That takes organization. A hundred thousand dogs? That takes efficiency. They'd have to wipe out corruption to set up a system to fix a hundred thousand dogs.
WOMAN
What are the options?
MAN (laughing)
Build some medical facilities for people instead?
WOMAN
During scarcity, humanitarian values have to start somewhere.
MAN
I'd rather be a humanist than a humanitarian.
WOMAN
Humanitarian. Humanist. What's the difference?
MAN
One focuses on bragging about his humane qualities. The other accepts how ghastly and human he really is. (Pause. Looks at watch.) Sorry I've got to go. It's been nice to run into you.
WOMAN
Have a nice dinner. Say hello to the kids.
MAN
I'm not going to dinner. But I have to finish walking Babu.
WOMAN
How's Babu getting on.
MAN
Too fat.
WOMAN
You feed her too much. You should draw the line.
MAN
But she's so convincing. You should see her (Laughing) ... You should see how she begs. She's a coy one all right.
WOMAN
You're too soft-hearted. Exert some discipline. I don't let Brazierra get away with that nonsense. They have to learn discipline.
MAN
But, to watch them beg, with those eyes, those big eyes, and not to part with a morsel of meat. It's too cruel.
Pause.
I can't believe that French bitch.